7/21/2024a - biden.

joe biden isnt running anymore. not a huge shocker seeing as he can barely walk

i dont actually have anything funny to say about this happy july 21st

7/21/24b - why did we let him do this

pascals wager is so dumb that it feels like it wouldve stemmed from some shitty pseudo-intellectual internet forum in 2005 but its actually the work of some douche from the 17th century. they should change it so its about getting money from mr beast instead though. he sorta just peruses randos at walmart and if theyre subscribed to his channel he gives them a fucking porche or whatever. if hes in the area scanning for shitty low effort rich guy content its literally more financially viable for you to be subscribed to him than it is to not be. if that isnt the most messed up thing youve ever heard in your entire life then i dont know what to tell you

this is the fate decider. an economical warlock with no time to play games since hes too busy making the rules. statues will be built in his image since the last one to stop worshipping gets $10,000. poetic. the beast hasn't even seen you. and yet there you are. ensnared in his capital calaboose.

7/20/24a - i dont know jack

can i talk about this guy for a minute and the idiosyncratic horseshit he comes up with every episode of his show. the brand new cooking advice nobody has even been given before his video even existed. and how it all makes me feel. because it feels like an attack on all senses besides taste, seeing everything he does and hearing everything he says and knowing in my heart that its all so viscerally untrue? i dont know, it just kind of gets to me. maybe its not because he doesnt learn but because of the terrifying possibility that it might get even worse. it would be great to sit here and say "youd think he would've gotten better at cooking by now since hes been getting hate comments for over a decade" but no who thinks that. the word cooking literally tries to kill him in his intro.

or maybe its just trying to stop him from giving himself salmonella for the 5th time. the best comparison i can make to a cooking with jack video is a stupid campy horror movie but instead of yelling "no dont go in the bedroom!" youre constantly on the verge of clawing at your monitor desperately trying to stop a seemingly sympathetic villain from eating a zombified brisket or raw chicken breast you wouldnt even feed to a shark. a hefty chunk of conspiracy theorists ive seen buy into this idea that hes intentionally cooking up some slime thats disgusting enough to get the masses making reaction videos called THIS IS HOW YOU DONT COOK to the ooze and thousands of hate comments telling him that no, putting some eggs in a bag with some tomatoes and shit and then boiling it will in fact not make a great omelette, but the concept of some dude being just so heinous at cooking that ive seen a notable amount of people think it cant possibly even be real is almost as funny as watching jack himself, say, put some eggs in a bag with some tomatoes and shit and then boil it, in an attempt to make a great omelette. hey lets take a look at that by the way

if the food wasnt bad enough something i rarely hear people saying about the cooking with jack show is the sexual tension? totally unintentional but it pisses me the fuck off seeing him stare at me so intently while violating his meat of the hour. it always feels like hes only 2 spoonfuls of canned creamed corn away from sensually sucking his fingers clean of barbecue sauce and hotdog water. the unrelenting eye contact sure as fuck doesnt help either, but the worst episode i can think of is the one where he was making "lazy mans enchiladas" with this girl who has what jack calls a "hispanic edge." i dont think ive known peace since watching him and this chick get all touchy feely on each other followed by watching her run a tomato cheese milkbath for a bag of corn chips. its like watching your mom and stepdad get all chummy right in front of you except you know your stepdad advocated for middle eastern genocide and beat the fucking pulp out of his 16 year old son one time. during the stupid blooper reel thing she even asks if he wants her to feed him. if youre not getting a little freaked out by this, im a little freaked out by you.

i wonder if his latest enchilada recipe is any better. lets take a look oh my god

i like the dumbass bitmoji stuff he uses in all his iconography. thats a face you can trust. i also really like how he unironically thinks this stuff looks tasty. its like. hey. wanna eat this shit? wanna eat this fucking shit? it looks so bad. you want some? eat my delectable fucking shit. there are a lot of things you can accuse jack scalfani of being, but he doesnt clickbait. he is actually racist though.

i really couldnt give less of a shit about jack being kinda tubby, but regardless of weight i think the 4 strokes hes had are probably a sign that he should eat a fruit besides canned jalapenos for once. obviously i dont actually care about the health of his rotten heart but if you want to know someone who REALLY doesnt give a shit about jack scalfanis heart, look no further than jack scalfani. mortality itself is some sick game to him and were just his pawns. has anyone postulated the conjecture that the real jack has been dead for years and this is just the 4th clone yet

i was watching this kind of new video from him where he goes over making burgers and the whole thing just made no sense at all. but not even nonsense you could brush off, it was just madness? the guy is fucking CONVINCED that you cant put so much as a mound of pressure on your burger when youre forming the patty. you cant press down on it at all. its some bullshit rhetoric he just keeps on spewing every few minutes like he has alzheimers or something, and its scary. not just because hes wrong but because the burger looks like complete garbage too. i really dont think that the 4 strokes had anything to do with his demented burger commentary though, since you can honestly trace this sort of shit back to the start of his career of poisoning himself. then in defiance of whatever rules you thought burgers had to follow, his ketchup goes directly into his raw meat mixture instead of you know. on the fucking burger. the mixture also has a mountain of onions and garlic stuffed inside. at this point i really dont understand why he doesnt just put all his ingredients into a blender and just fucking drink it because the end results gonna taste exactly the same. then he mixes his salt and pepper into the meat. some people actually think this is fine but i think its actually closer to the top of the list of things i cant forgive burgerwise. im here to eat a burger, when you mix your salt and pepper inside instead of sprinkling it on top, it tastes more like meatloaf. and if you fuck with meatloaf i dont fuck with you. after making fun of smash burgers jack treats you to the sight of his mile tall patty thats so undercooked it could qualify as steak tartar in a few places, before assembling it in the most nonsensical way i could think of atop an untoasted bun. everyone KNOWS you put your lettuce on the very bottom. i mean. where else does it go?

somewhere it doesnt become soggy and wet? you really had me going there. all hail darth scalfani. making sure the cheese is actually melted is punishable by excommunication.

every single video from him is like this. ill never forget his pizza recipe which includes store bought pizza dough, with his reason for buying it from the store being that he doesnt have time to make his own dough because he needs to make videos. about cooking. i cant even find an apt comparison there. if it werent for the strokes fucking up his voice you probably couldnt even tell the difference between a video of his from a decade ago and a video he made last night. the consistent homogeneity of shit would be borderline impressive if it didnt make me want to hurl while making me simultaneously feel like a 5 star chef by comparison. i need to see this motherfucker in a kitchen though. like a real one. on a few occasions hes stated that cooking is "really a womans job," but im on my knees here begging to know what this guy is like in a high octane cooking environment just so i can see him fold when someone tells him to not drench a fillet in the repugnant steak sauces he peddles on the side. does he still sell it? dont care im not looking it up

7/6/24a - skate or die

7/6/24b - i dont think before eating cheese curls but i probably should

they changed the cheese curls bag recently i think. it really doesnt matter but i know some really popular twitter account i probably blocked is gonna be really mad. oh fuck they got rid of the brand gopher?? shiiiiiiit

well i mean

i dont care but it is worse and alarmingly phallic. maybe every person in the cheese curl focus groups was just coincidentally the same kind of weird or the designers were taking inspiration from the wrong places because if youve ever seen a high resolution image of a cheese curl youd be hard pressed to find a reason youd willingly put that shit in your body.

fucking gross

if i had a bigger platform and was less funny youd probably catch me telling people to draw dicks on every bag they can as a form of "rebellion" against a hazardous cheese puff product but i cant think of anything at the moment that sounds more obnoxious than doing exactly that. the reality is that herrs hq should just be blown. the worst kind of blown. to smithereens order up

7/6/24c -

all you douchebags laughed at phil fish but his ass was just consistently spewing the realest shit ever and then fucked off like a bored god

1/7/24a - if smash then only remix

so apparently a few days ago that mod of a sweaty baby fighting game added banjo kazooby from that other baby game manchild youtubers like?

uh yeah give me a call when they add death and blood and killing

1/4/24a - why half life is actually good

do you think the 5 star chefs over at wolf brand chili meticulously studied elephant shit for the sake of making their canned waste look exactly like it

market research proves that people willingly shovel this shit down their gullet and they dont even care

12/24/23a - lets talk politics

how did gary johnson promote his campaign with this image in 2016 and not win the presidential election

fuck how did he not become president of the entire world

12/4/23a - why half life is actually good

i dont even know what its called but that blue healing goo shit was always my favorite part of half life. every time i lay my eyes on it all i can think about is shlopping it the fuck up like a thirsty hound

11/29/23a - henry kissinger died

lol

11/26/23a - willy wonka

guy: i like normal chocolate

willy wonka: i dont make that

11/26/23b - who cares about football shut up

i was thinking about football the other day and it sort of dawned on me how hilarious it is. you might think that humans stopped killing each other for our entertainment centuries ago but no just tune into espn on sunday and youll see organized teams of animalistic armored assholes competing to see who can withstand the most brain damage before moving on to aggressively pack-snuggle the next team of ironclad douchebags and get even more brain damage. have you ever seen the brain of someone with cte? it has the consistency of jelly but i guess its worth it in the end if the nfl is paying you six figures a year to slowly kill yourself and others. hope you brought your pizza and chips

maybe its for the best though. whats this freak so excited about? a "touch down?" fat chance. odds are he actually just caught wind of an orphanage being burned to the ground which could only be put out by smothering the flames with dead puppies. look i guess its nice that i dont need to worry about actually being hunted by one of these astroturf-grazing gladiators but that doesnt mean you should feel any safer around the people who throw their shit like roided gorillas when their team of brain damaged rich guys loses against someone elses team of brain damaged rich guys. wait now that im reading this post again that kind of sounds awesome. i guess this post is useless now

with the exception of napoleon dynamite, superbowl 52 is probably the greatest underdog story in american history

11/2/23a - most people just kill these things for fun

what do deer even do besides get hit by cars and die

still less useless than koalas

by the way in case youre wondering no ive never hit a deer in my entire life

11/1/23a - cinema redefined

yesterday was halloween so i watched this. i turned it off after 45 minutes since it was straight ass but im going to talk about it anyway

a lot of rhyming and killing people and smoking weed. its sort of funny the first time but they clearly didnt think very hard about anything past the title of this movie because thats basically all he does. the rhymes kind of suck too. it takes some serious tenacity to write anything along the lines of "Look at all these glittering goods - I've got more loot than Tiger Woods!" i guess it makes sense but fuck dude this just sucks. the movie probably wouldve been slightly funnier if the leprechaun had no idea what the fuck was going on in "the hood" since hes not in 8th century ireland but yeah no im not gonna start listing off ways that a movie called leprechaun in the hood couldve been a more enjoyable cinematic experience. actually no i take that back. the fact that the rapping lucky charmer completely knows whats up and doesnt care is actually sort of awesome. apparently the leprechaun raps at the end? god i bet i really missed out.

it really is just nothing. a big pot of nothing at the end of the rainbow. pretty sure a lot of movies like this only ever come out because they didnt exist before. what if there was a goofy leprechaun and it killed people. nobodys done that? ok were gonna do that. i guess it is sort of beautiful though that a room of losers will just sit around a table throwing shit at a wall and unanimously agree to make a piece of drivel because they can. was this really someones passion project. leprechaun in the hood. i dont know how they managed to make 8 of these things so theyre clearly at least a little profitable but lets be real how many saint patricks day movies does america really have to chew on in the first place. maybe its concept was just too genius for its own good

i wish there was some kind of guy who remembered it so i dont have to. that would make talking about these movies a lot easier

10/27/23a - trying to process garfield gets real

i just watched garfield gets real. then i had to watch it again. jim davis you coke fiend. where the fuck do i even begin with this thing? not once in my life have i seen such a cocksunk flick that just casually drops such an ungodly amount of qustions and proceeds to answer absolutely none of them, but garfield got real i guess and all shit broke loose. i dont have jack shit to say about this movies writing or the actual plot. its bad i guess? kind of crazy how jim davis started writing this thing in 1996 and released it in 2007 making this film an 11 year journey which didnt manage to make me unironically crack a smile even once. heres a suggestion big guy, maybe stick to your 3 panels about italian food. the plot is whatever. garfield goes into the real world or something, it doesnt really matter. what im here to talk about are the logistics of the world of garfield gets real and trying to decipher the exact mechanics of how any of this inane bullshit works. most of the time when people get bent out of shape over obvious cartoon logic its pretty dumb low hanging fruit because yeah no shit buggs bunny couldnt walk on the air until he figures out that he should be falling. its a cartoon. garfield gets real is different though. this movie blatantly shows you the innerworkings of the univers but then just refuses to elaborate to the point where it straight up cant be ignored so im just gonna bite the bullet and walk you through it because your guess is as good as anyone elses. i guess we could ask the j-man himself but shit whatre the chances of the guy ever seeing my shitty email. ok fuck here i go the movie starts with the sun rising over the town like it needs sunlight to exist before garfield wakes up on you guessed it, a monday, because we all know thats one of the most classic garfieldisms you could possibly start off with aside from him shoveling lasagna into his gullet. this is actually going to be really important but it also wont be at all. seems to just be another day in the arbuckle house if you can ignore jons revolting teeth or the worst looking ketchup a computer has ever had the misfortune of barely rendering. im not really gonna complain about the overall concept of garfield knowing hes in a comic since thats the entire point of the movie what with him becoming real and all that noise. its ridiculous and stupid and weird but in the grand scheme of things just the tip of the iceberg. the concept of cartoon characters making a meta production of their own existence isnt anything new but you need to start asking questions once you see garfield greeting his friends on his work before rolling up to a motherfucking garfield themed studio. shouldnt this guy be a multimillionaire from royalties by now? hes clearly a celebrity. or would jon be? i never really thought to ask myself what garfields rights are but lets ask ourselves our first real question. theres a garfield studio, so why is he actually living in the house from the garfield comic strip outside of work. is it to stay in character if the comics are all fake? sure he literally is garfield but is there a reason he needs to live as garfield from the comic? there seems to be no difference except his professional life seems to just mirror his home life. if this is his job and he has free will shouldnt he be able to do whatever he wants outside of the comic? or maybe this is just the way he is? it hasnt even been 5 minutes yet. i think im going to cry. jim really outdid himself with this one oh ok. so garfield is an actor. hes the star of his own comic strip about his life and people treat him like an actor but hes also still garfield and acts like garfield. so "garfield" isnt a fictional character or an independent being with free will. hes both. what the fuck. same shit applies to all of his friends and everyone who works in this building too? nobody is playing a character but they simultaneously are besides for the ones who actually do stuff like set up the stages and write the scripts and everyWHAT HELLO ok, tsar-breasted personal assistant(?) aside, garfield starts lamenting his job making comic strips and saying that its the same few shit jokes every day and its kind of surreal to watch. garfield, the monday hating, alarm clock smashing, dog kicking, lasagna consuming cat, is voicing how tired he is of his own tired 4 joke schtick, and it makes you wonder. is this garfield speaking? or is this jim davis being vocal about the monotony and repetition that plagues his own intellectual property? tired of these characters being unable to change? unable to grow? unable to evolve? who cares i really dont. now its time to talk about how the they actually make the comic strips. with sets and props and stuff. ok? so theyre taking videos. they also have scripts and need to memorize their lines for some reason even though every comic strip is only 3 panels and theyre not even shot in one take. then they take the videos and plug them into some weird machine that adds speech bubbles and turns the characters into stylized versions of themselves i dont know. it seems weirdly limiting if you want to make a comic with more than 3 panels but practically everything in this reality feels like it was made up by a child pretending he made up a good set of rules for a card game that doesnt even exist. trust him though. you dont want the four of clubs. when they finish the comic they put it in this big scanner thing and then put it into the real world. like they can take the comic they made and then use satellites or some shit and then beam it into the real world onto real newspapers. now how the fuck is this supposed to work? i can concede that cartoon characters have access to their own mystical cartoon technology but i guess they just have power over reality now. sure theyre just shooting comics into newspapers now but whos stopping them from just beaming a giant swastika and impact font text that says KIDDYS MAKE ME GIDDY onto your arms? does this technology only extend to ink? its also never explained whos writing these comics because it doesnt matter at all. maybe its jim. maybe hes god. oh, also all the characters can go to the stage and the dude in the control booth can use any comic as a window to view the real world. if youve ever jerked off in the same room as comic strip, theres a very real possibility that garfield and friends got a front row seat. nermal probably jacked off too what the hell even ok so garfield gets so fed up with the comic world that despite the fact that the control room guy says that once you go to the real world you cant go back. must say a lot about the monotony of comic world if they really dont have any substitute for the real world but i guess ive talked about that at length by now. he jumps in through some pressurized tear in the stage/reality and ends up in the real world which is shaded differently but everyone is exactly as cartoony as in the cartoon world and also looks bad. now garfields friends and family can now spectate garfield from newspapers but they can also spectate him from anywhere and see what hes up to because of the weird satellite technology i mentioned earlier. oh well at least they cant talk to each other because their realities are separated. <=== FORESHADOWING. then garfield meets some disgusting friends because hes a stray now and stray cats cant find food. also theres this wretched thing. its gross and i will kill it. would you believe me if i told you what happens next makes any sense? because you shouldnt believe that. since garfield went into the real world, i guess they cant actually make garfield comics anymore and put them in the newspaper since the real garfield is missing, so the newspaper company holds a contest to replace garfields strip. ok? so lets think, is the implication here that if garfield gets chosen to be the star of his own comic strip again hes able to go back into the comic world? that really seems to be what hes trying to do, but do the humans have a process for sending garfield back to his world? does that explain how garfield originally ended up in the comic world? once someone wins the contest, do they get a house and everything in the comic world like garfield or do their backgrounds/setting become real in the comic world like garfields? are they able to leave like garfield went into the real world? what if the newspaper decided to start publishing a godzilla comic strip, would a wrathful king of monsters be able to leave the comic and start thrashing shit the fuck up in the real world? weve already established that its possible for a comic character to enter the real world, so does that mean that the humans created the comic world for the soul purpose of making comics? i guess so? right now im trying to wrap my head around the possibly symbiotic relationship between the newspaper company and the comic world. the comic characters are pretty aware that its their job to make comics and i guess they arent being paid for it, so are they just being forced to create comics for the rest of their conceivable eternity aka when the newspaper company decides to stop printing them? what does this mean for the characters themselves??? i guess it means that the comic characters werent actually born but they were made? which i thought was obvious, but does that mean that none of the characters backgrounds actually happened from the perspective of anyone living in the comic world? these characters were created by jim davis, but does that mean that theyve always existed the way they are until written otherwise? do their personalities change off-set if they start to be slowly written differently? also if garfield is given his own strip back, how does he know that this transports him back into the comic world, and is this how he got into the comic world to begin with? is he familiar with the process that turns physical beings like the competitors as well as fictional characters into comic characters? there are characters at the contest which are supposed to replace garfield, so are they like. signing a waver to go into the comic world? or are they just acting like the character thats going to get transported into the comic world with their creators help? at the end of the movie one of the stray cats makes it into the comic world and appears in a comic, but how could he have been written into a comic by a person if no people were complicit with its arrival into the comic world? so just how much power DOES the comic world have over the real world? are the humans just trusting them to make something they can publish? do they not care? it gets established later that there IS still a way back into the comic world, so do the humans know about that? of course garfield wanted to escape, his and all his friends existences center around endlessly creating 3 panel entertainment for human beings. the comics dont have any "real world" of their own. no lives outside their basic personalities thatve already been written, so they dont have as much free will as i thought? the humans creating the comic world synthetically WOULD also explain why garfield lives as garfield both in the comic and his reality because the comic creators want to keep them the same and engineer them to not have ambition. why would the contestants want to go the comic world then? are the creators of these characters writing the scripts, or do they just trust the comic characters inside the comic world to do it? do the humans have contact with the characters they create once theyre transported to the comic world? is there a cross-dimensional writing team? id assume that if the newspaper company did create the comic world dude then the humans would have some sort of idea as to how the comic world works and they could talk to the characters through the newspaper..? maybe? but the characters talk to each other as if its their own production theyre putting on with no help from the outside world. like its just their job to make the comics, but they obviously need some help with the outside world so like. god. who cares. this sucks. i never even mentioned all the other characters like wally who play pivotal roles in the plot. why? because its stupid. i dont need to justify saying anything about this film that i havent already. the part of garfield gets real that really just doesnt sit right with me though is that it insists that you figure it out. it wants you, the viewer to fix everything wrong with what youre seeing, but you cant. its like a sword that was forged to be broken. you can try to make sense of it. you can try to make things work, but no matter how hard you try, it was doomed from the very beginning. it asks you to keep watching as if its going to give you any answers. it begs you stay in your seat, and promises closure. but jim davis doesnt know what closure is. closure to jim davis is a cat smoking a pipe on panel 3. half convinced that i could rip this dudes face off scooby doo style and david lynch would be sitting there telling me how tragic it is that i watched garfield gets real on a fucking cell phone. this is the "challenging art" all those teenagers told you about. huh. earlier on in this rant i kind of just casually mentioned that garfield goes into the real world. this is true. he does do this. thats why its called garfield gets real, but its really dawning on me now how cartoony the real world actually is. theres slapstick and shit. itd be really interesting if garfield actually had to make sense of reality but reality is a cartoon and. wait

oh my god.

i mightve cracked this shit wide open actually

the real world in garfield gets real isnt the real world at all. its another layer of the comic world. garfield never left.

the burning building at the end of the movie is an allegory for your brain.

NERMAL WAS JACKING OFF THE WHOLE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10/23/23a - i just had to watch 2 ads on youtube before i could watch a 2 second long video of fat albert saying hey hey hey

has capitalism gone too far?

10/23/23b - joe biden called a dude fat and i think everyone forgot how funny it was

out of every executive flounder ive seen over the past 20 years, none have really hit me as hard as the time joe biden, the 47th president of the united states of america, called some fat guy fat. if the bidenator just said to a guy "hey, youre fat" i wouldnt think about it so much, but theres a lot more to this than you might realize. remember how the title of this post puts the word fat in quotes? yeah that was important. theres this video from 2019 where joe is talking to this angry guy about how hes a liar or something? ok who cares. then he calls the dude fat. like. he calls him fat. joe biden calls a dude fat as if its his name. like his name is fat. he says "look, fat, look, heres the deal." holy shit. probably one of the smartest plays ive ever seen and it feels like nobody remembers. people use adjectives like ugly all the time as names to taunt people in movies and stuff but referring to somebody as fat is kind of next level if you think about it. is he slowly trying to change the common americans vernacular with subtle rare wordplay? is he just insane? not making any decisions here but maybe this dude is smarter than you might think. nobody can know for sure who are you really

10/22/23a - OFF review

alright so lets get everyone up to speed on what OFF actually is for all the bros and grandmas in the audience thatre in the dark or just dont care about rpgs. OFF is a game by this french dude named mortis ghost, which is unironically the most badass name ive ever heard in my life, and music composed by alias conrad coldwood. a considerably less cool name, but still a cool ass name. it was made in rpg maker 2003 and released on may 14 2008. shits been sitting in my backlog for the past several years and yeah, i guess you could say it was pretty good. basically you play as this stoic douche named the batter. hes the shit and doesnt care about anything besides beating the fuck out of spectral invaders with a baseball bat and yeah thats actually pretty much it actually. the whole time these timid worker dudes thatre literally everywhere are constantly telling you to not go here or not do that and the batter kinda just says something along the lines of "no." its this black and white bastards sacred mission to "purify" whats left of the world and he really doesnt let anyone or anything get in the way of that, including you, the one playing the game, which reminds me that this game gets kinda meta sometimes. i think all the main characters at some point acknowledge the fact that youre a guy who actually exists and that youre the one guiding the batter around on his quest. sometimes characters like the judge straight up talk to you and tell you the business whenever he finds it necessary. other times zacharie will be all "oh yeah this is a video game. hee hee." not really ground-breakingly meta and genius or anything but its a pretty cool way to tell the story when it kinda dawns on you that you and the batter are quite literally fucking shit up together. imagine the ending of earthbound but more narratively relevant or whatever. funnily enough mortis never actually played earthbound before making OFF. im not really here to talk at length about the crude trash that ive been cooking up on and off in rpg maker for the past 2 years but while playing i noticed that a load of concepts in OFF were hella similar to a load of concepts ive already worked into my project to a point where it was a little jarring. obviously theyre presented differently but it was pretty cool to see, all things considered. its a pretty short and linear game for the most part, which isnt a bad thing at all. linearity = bad is probably one of the most rancid gamer takes thats ever existed when it comes to gamer takes actually relating to video games. that being said, a lot of gear towards the end of the game is super missable so i need to recommend that you revisit the zones again once youre all done with enoch. heres the basic gist though. you go from zone to zone solving puzzles, talking to people, getting some badass lore dumps about the work everyones slaving away at, purifying shit like its water, and trashing the big bad boss guardian of each zone at the end. between the zones you get some seemingly unrelated cutscenes of another thing with this goofy looking kid going on that kind of vaguely piece together a story, but honestly even by the end its still pretty vague and a lot is still left up to interpretation. cool as fuck if you ask me. as much as i want to get into detail about purification and everything that goes on in the last act of the game, this shitass review is already getting too long and its best to just go in blind, shocker. in terms of difficulty it really wasnt too bad, its rpg maker 2003. rpg maker 2003 has this kind of wackyass ff7ish timing-based battle system that nobody really knows how to make feel natural or make fun but it works well enough. for basically every fight including a few bosses, i was actually able to beat almost everything using the auto-fight function with health to spare. it doesnt really help that the save points littered around each zone revive your entire party and also completely fill your health and competence points. didnt find myself using items in battles much either. by far the hardest time i had was when i was revisiting an zone near the end and these assholes that poisoned me and put me to sleep were fucking everywhere, but even then i was able to bail from them almost every single time. the difficulty in general didnt really bother me but that junk is probably worth mentioning. oh yeah. i forgot to also mention that the batters only friends are floating circles. i dont know how i got this far in the review without mentioning the art. christ this motherfucker can draw. mortis ghosts art is so fucking good. besides for most of the assets in the blocky and colorful overworld, all the battlesprites and character portraits were ripped straight from ghosts sketchbook and shrunk down with nearest neighbor to fit rpg maker 2003s iconic 320x240 canvas. it makes for a ridiculously distinct style. you can find a bunch of the uncompressed assets online with minimal effort and compare them to how they look in game, its neat as hell. my favorite example of this is probably the batters battle sprite, which is a full body render of him shrunk down to a borderline comical extent. later on you go from enemies that are cool and fucked up to enemies that just look straight up wrong. really hard to describe them in detail but its some freaky deaky shit. this dude just doesnt miss the weird thing is that if you look at the concept art youll see that these weirdos are actually supposed to be wearing luchador masks, but when theyre shrunk down like this they just look viscerally fucked up. its sick the music in off doesnt miss either, coldwood did a damn good job here. a lot of the overworld music is so chill and ambient until bam. youre hit with fuckin peppersteak. what a sweet track. really gets you in the mood to fuck some specters up. its totally the song this game is known for, but later on youll also find yourself fighting to whats pretty much the screams of the damned, and the atmosphere is like. woah . theres a whole handful of great tracks to just vibe with, and it compliments the punchy ass sound design which hits so hard so well. avatar beat is probably one of my favorite boss themes in any game ive ever played, its fantastic and im not being hyperbolic when i say that shit rocks you to your core. like. hell yeah. OFF is short, sweet, and free. youre doing yourself a disservice by not playing through the entire thing. OFF gets 4.5 out of 5 sludges. luke out.

10/21/23a - i saw an alien on the news

pretty self explanatory post. the news was on but just before i could change the channel i saw this extraterrestrial hornswoggler if your reaction to this visitors face is anything less than "ew what the fuck even IS that" im fully convinced that you two stepped off the same mothership and are probably telepathically plotting to kill me now for figuring you out

10/20/23b - a post about bootlegs

harry potter obama 10

to start you off with some context, my lovely partner likes this one character from this video game. a lot. they like this character so much that they went as far as buying a plushie of him. see, i usually dont have problems with stuff like this. you like a character and want merch? sweet. im not gonna act like my spending habits are wiser than anyone elses, but the issue here is like. ok, listen. my partner is great. theyre just so sweet and lovely- but you know what isnt just so sweet and lovely? this thing this fucking thing. oh my god it makes me laugh so damn hard, its so ugly. this ugly plushling is so damn off model and so far past teetering on bootleg material that i can literally see it growing bootfeet and boothips with a boottorso and bootarms starting to take shape the longer i look at every one of its hideous fibers. im not gonna claim to have ever been close enough to this caprine lumpfest to smell it, but you can just tell that it reeks of coach seats on board the ali express or hazardous toxic materials. bootleg figures and plushies like this are notoriously made with toxic materials. how cool is that. look at it. it doesnt even have hands, and the longer you look at it i swear it starts morphing before your very eyes, slowly forcing you to realize each and every thing wrong with it. that glob of slime supposed to be a hat. its face is so viciously nothing that it looks like a doctor is gonna come through the door and tell me that the lobotomy was a complete success at any moment, and for something thats supposed to be a goat, its snout is more akin to a swolen bulbous nose. is this thing is really even art? obviously it is, but i thought that asking such a ridiculous and stupid question to help you understand how unserious this blog post is would be funny. i guess it was only kind of funny. youd have to be a real moron to think i actually give any real fucks about this goat wizard thing. dont let any of this drivel distract you from what this post is actually about. i love bootlegs. i think theyre awesome. what even is that picture up there? im even willing to say that sometimes theyre even better than the intellectual property theyre ripping off. if youve ever seen that speedy blue-quilled douchebag, youll know exactly what i mean. god i fucking hate sonic. this isnt me doing an annoying egoraptorism either, i just cant stand his games, personality, his voice, or the gaudy cast of zany technicolor characters he calls his friends. sonic 3 is amazing because it has the instashield, the music in rush is incredible. i guess vector is pretty cool too, but thats kind of it for me. oh yeah. bootlegs. sonic has so many bootlegs and theyre all awesome. if youve been my friend for an extended period of time you probably know how much i used to talk about ogorki. maybe i talk about him slightly less than before, but i never actually stopped having a vast appreciation for ogorki and everything he stands for. if you want some obscure trivia about this dilated demon, you might be shocked to know that hes not actually a hedgehog. hes a dragon. proof? my friend pointed it out that it actually says "our little dragon recommends yummy, crunchiful pickles!" that actually blew my mind, and it should blow yours too if you respect yourself in any meaningful capacity. i dont even like pickles and that made me question my worldview. this post is way too long and shitty. eventually im gonna get around to talking about bootleg simpsons shit but we can cross that bridge when we get to it.

10/20/23a - what the fuck is up with modded minecraft

dedotate your wam

while twitter was bitching and moaning about their 3 shitty mobs to vote for in their childrens block game, me and my homie astoria have been on a 1.12.2 grind with an obnoxious amount of mods. and yeah. it rules. it might be a complete wreck, but it rules. unlike most modpacks youll find made with tender love and care, i kind of just crammed a ton of cool looking shit together into a conglomeration of convoluted bullshit i dont even understand because i dont care as long as the game works. some people are all about wasting time fucking with configs, probably blissfully unaware of the fact that actually finding those exploits is one of the most fun things you can do, and theres an insane amount of things to do here. astoria is all about the tech shit and since theyre the one who hosts and plays the most besides me, i include pipe trash they wanted and in turn they build headache inducing factories while also sort of teaching me how it works. 9/10 times it goes totally over my head, but i have this wacky ass storage system with this stupid huge chest that uses chips or whatever. theres so much meat to chew on that we havent even gotten around to trying out most of the content i keep forgetting i actually added. like this thing called botania i barely get. i can give you a tour later. it really sucks. youre gonna love it

10/19/23d -

check out this guy so goddamn cool alright slow down buddy i said slow the fuck down

you stupid cock RAW STUNTS.

10/19/23c - i got so scammed

just got home after subjecting myself to the wettest floppiest chunkiest pizza ive ever eaten and im trying to wrap my head around the fact that this place unironically has 5 stars on google. literally how. pizza is a simple artform. you walk in, ask for some pizza, and some greasy schmuck or smokin babe (no in between) hands you something delicious a few minutes later. they dont talk about how fresh their ingredients are because they know that the only prerequisite for good tasting pizza is making sure the pizza tastes fucking good. its not theatrical. you just made your pizza look special by making it taste like shit, but people still find a way to love you because you went the extra mile and put a leaf on your sogfest. maybe youve fooled grandmas who dont know shit about a good slice, but i dont want any part in your bougie organic wetslop 30-hour-crust shitbrigade. you mean nothing to me $20. be serious

10/19/23b - gotta return that laptop i just got

goo goo gah gah

i have no idea why but the display on this brand new laptop isnt showing colors right. namely turning a lot of blues purple. sure i can circumvent the problem by enabling this "hdr" color setting but that only works if its plugged in because showing the colors properly drains the battery too fast or some shit. i shouldnt need to go to a weird website and troubleshoot and fuck with drivers on a $1100 machine i picked up less than a week ago. get your shit together asus it also fucks with reds and yellows and greens but its less obvious than the unwelcome royal ass purple. lame

10/18/23e - thoughts on babies

goo goo gah gah

the gerber baby isnt even that cute. quite frankly i think it kind of looks like an asshole. the affordable growup plan is probably a scam anyway. no growup plan can be that good if it only costs "pennies a day." grow up

10/18/23b - i got a new laptop today

it has an intel i9 processor instead of an intel i5 processor. surely this means something