i dont know jack

can i talk about this guy for a minute and the idiosyncratic horseshit he comes up with every episode of his show. the brand new cooking advice nobody has even been given before his video even existed. and how it all makes me feel. because it feels like an attack on all senses besides taste, seeing everything he does and hearing everything he says and knowing in my heart that its all so viscerally untrue? i dont know, it just kind of gets to me. maybe its not because he doesnt learn but because of the terrifying possibility that it might get even worse. it would be great to sit here and say "youd think he would've gotten better at cooking by now since hes been getting hate comments for over a decade" but no who thinks that. the word cooking literally tries to kill him in his intro.

or maybe its just trying to stop him from giving himself salmonella for the 5th time. the best comparison i can make to a cooking with jack video is a stupid campy horror movie but instead of yelling "no dont go in the bedroom!" youre constantly on the verge of clawing at your monitor desperately trying to stop a seemingly sympathetic villain from eating a zombified brisket or raw chicken breast you wouldnt even feed to a shark. a hefty chunk of conspiracy theorists ive seen buy into this idea that hes intentionally cooking up some slime thats disgusting enough to get the masses making reaction videos called THIS IS HOW YOU DONT COOK to the ooze and thousands of hate comments telling him that no, putting some eggs in a bag with some tomatoes and shit and then boiling it will in fact not make a great omelette, but the concept of some dude being just so heinous at cooking that ive seen a notable amount of people think it cant possibly even be real is almost as funny as watching jack himself, say, put some eggs in a bag with some tomatoes and shit and then boil it, in an attempt to make a great omelette. hey lets take a look at that by the way

if the food wasnt bad enough something i rarely hear people saying about the cooking with jack show is the sexual tension? totally unintentional but it pisses me the fuck off seeing him stare at me so intently while violating his meat of the hour. it always feels like hes only 2 spoonfuls of canned creamed corn away from sensually sucking his fingers clean of barbecue sauce and hotdog water. the unrelenting eye contact sure as fuck doesnt help either, but the worst episode i can think of is the one where he was making "lazy mans enchiladas" with this girl who has what jack calls a "hispanic edge." i dont think ive known peace since watching him and this chick get all touchy feely on each other followed by watching her run a tomato cheese milkbath for a bag of corn chips. its like watching your mom and stepdad get all chummy right in front of you except you know your stepdad advocated for middle eastern genocide and beat the fucking pulp out of his 16 year old son one time. during the stupid blooper reel thing she even asks if he wants her to feed him. if youre not getting a little freaked out by this, im a little freaked out by you.

i wonder if his latest enchilada recipe is any better. lets take a look oh my god

i like the dumbass bitmoji stuff he uses in all his iconography. thats a face you can trust. i also really like how he unironically thinks this stuff looks tasty. its like. hey. wanna eat this shit? wanna eat this fucking shit? it looks so bad. you want some? eat my delectable fucking shit. there are a lot of things you can accuse jack scalfani of being, but he doesnt clickbait. he is actually racist though.

i really couldnt give less of a shit about jack being kinda tubby, but regardless of weight i think the 4 strokes hes had are probably a sign that he should eat a fruit besides canned jalapenos for once. obviously i dont actually care about the health of his rotten heart but if you want to know someone who REALLY doesnt give a shit about jack scalfanis heart, look no further than jack scalfani. mortality itself is some sick game to him and were just his pawns. has anyone postulated the conjecture that the real jack has been dead for years and this is just the 4th clone yet

i was watching this kind of new video from him where he goes over making burgers and the whole thing just made no sense at all. but not even nonsense you could brush off, it was just madness? the guy is fucking CONVINCED that you cant put so much as a mound of pressure on your burger when youre forming the patty. you cant press down on it at all. its some bullshit rhetoric he just keeps on spewing every few minutes like he has alzheimers or something, and its scary. not just because hes wrong but because the burger looks like complete garbage too. i really dont think that the 4 strokes had anything to do with his demented burger commentary though, since you can honestly trace this sort of shit back to the start of his career of poisoning himself. then in defiance of whatever rules you thought burgers had to follow, his ketchup goes directly into his raw meat mixture instead of you know. on the fucking burger. the mixture also has a mountain of onions and garlic stuffed inside. at this point i really dont understand why he doesnt just put all his ingredients into a blender and just fucking drink it because the end results gonna taste exactly the same. then he mixes his salt and pepper into the meat. some people actually think this is fine but i think its actually closer to the top of the list of things i cant forgive burgerwise. im here to eat a burger, when you mix your salt and pepper inside instead of sprinkling it on top, it tastes more like meatloaf. and if you fuck with meatloaf i dont fuck with you. after making fun of smash burgers jack treats you to the sight of his mile tall patty thats so undercooked it could qualify as steak tartar in a few places, before assembling it in the most nonsensical way i could think of atop an untoasted bun. everyone KNOWS you put your lettuce on the very bottom. i mean. where else does it go?

somewhere it doesnt become soggy and wet? you really had me going there. all hail darth scalfani. making sure the cheese is actually melted is punishable by excommunication.

every single video from him is like this. ill never forget his pizza recipe which includes store bought pizza dough, with his reason for buying it from the store being that he doesnt have time to make his own dough because he needs to make videos. about cooking. i cant even find an apt comparison there. if it werent for the strokes fucking up his voice you probably couldnt even tell the difference between a video of his from a decade ago and a video he made last night. the consistent homogeneity of shit would be borderline impressive if it didnt make me want to hurl while making me simultaneously feel like a 5 star chef by comparison. i need to see this motherfucker in a kitchen though. like a real one. on a few occasions hes stated that cooking is "really a womans job," but im on my knees here begging to know what this guy is like in a high octane cooking environment just so i can see him fold when someone tells him to not drench a fillet in the repugnant steak sauces he peddles on the side. does he still sell it? dont care im not looking it up